


Immortal Agony

by sasukewasameme



Series: Eren Angst [4]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Abused Eren Yeager, Angst, Angsty Eren Yeager, Canon Compliant, Depressed Eren Yeager, Hurt Eren Yeager, Immortality, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Inspired by Fanfiction, It Gets Worse, No Romance, Rape, Rape Aftermath, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Suicidal Eren Yeager, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, no recovery
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-12-01
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:14:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 6
Words: 7,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27753670
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sasukewasameme/pseuds/sasukewasameme
Summary: After being raped by Reiner, Eren becomes severely suicidal. Theproblem is, he has a hard time killing himself due to his Titan powers. Will he succeed in committing suicide before finding happiness or is he doomed to live in immortal agony for eternity?I decided to give Feigling a longer story with my own twist because it ended too short. I suggest you read the first chapter of that fanfic so you understand what's going on better. If you decide not to read the first chapter, just know that what's going on takes place when Eren is captured and, afterwards, raped by Reiner. (Didn't happen in canon.)Feigling by Dorminchu: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11563812/chapters/25978068
Relationships: Levi & Eren Yeager
Series: Eren Angst [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2031976
Comments: 7
Kudos: 78





	1. Chapter 1

Eren can't do anything. He feels hurt and disgusting but most of all, dirty. Reiner still doesn't give him the courtesy of even looking at him. Tears fall down Eren's face and he's not sure if it's from the trauma or from the pain. Maybe both. "It's time to go," Reiner says.

He turns into the Armored Titan and takes Eren, Bertholdt, and Ymir onto the top of his back after Ymir straps Eren to Bertholdt's back. Eren passes out again, bleeding terribly from his anus, and everything goes black.

When Eren wakes up, his arms are growing back and only his hands need to be repaired. His anus is healed but there's still blood all over his pants. It's clear that wherever he is, he isn't on stable ground. After waking up a bit, he quickly remembers how Reiner took him. 

He wants to die.

When he starts struggling, Bertholdt says, "there's no point in struggling. Just give in already. It'll be easier on everyone." To hell with that, thinks Eren. He wants to die and so he will. First, Eren tries biting his tongue as hard as he possibly can but when the blood starts draining, his body heals before he can bleed to death.

Next, he starts trying to beat his head in. Bertholdt looks absolutely horrified. "He's trying to kill himself!" That's when they spot Scouts getting close to them on their horses. They're goal is obviously to take Eren from them so Reiner picks Bertholdt and Eren up and protects them in his arms. This momentarily stops Eren from trying to bash his head in. 

Then, when that moment is over, he starts punching his head as hard as he possibly can again. "Stop," says Bertholdt. "Then kill me yourself," Eren says desperately. His punches are beginning to be accompanied by small groans of pain and Bertholdt can't help but cringe. 

Within the next few seconds, they're surrounded by the Scouts they did their training with. "Give Eren back," orders Mikasa. Bertholdt says nothing. Eren hears his friends and starts to punch himself even harder. He doesn't want to live through them seeing him like this; broken and fragile.

Unfortunately, though, there's cracks in between Reiner's hands. Cracks for his friends to see through. Their prying eyes watch in scared surprise as they see their friend trying to lump his head in. "Eren! You gotta stop!" Armin cries out. "What are you doing, you suicidal maniac?" Asks Jean, genuinely meaning the suicidal part.

Eren stops for a second but still says nothing. Then, for some reason, the Scouts jump down from Reiner and Eren goes back to beating his head in, hoping he'll die before anyone saves him. After a few minutes, though, Armin us back on Reiner and ready with a plan. 

"Poor Annie. You two left her alone and now she's getting tortured." Eren can't see well but something causes Reiner's hands to drop. Mikasa cuts Eren loose from Bertholdt's hold and grabs him quickly. Eren can hear Commander Erwin yelling to "retreat!" Their fight is over now that they have Eren.

Everyone storms their horses out of there as fast as they can and they head home. Eren doesn't attempt to hurt himself while with Mikasa. She'll just stop him and worry herself senseless. He'd rather commit suicide when alone. 

And all the way home, Eren plans his suicide. 

When they get home, Armin tells Commander Erwin and Captain Levi about Eren acting suicidal back there with Reiner and Bertholdt. Eren usually doesn't get pissed at his friends but today is an exception. How could Armin snitch on him like that? He feels betrayed, even though Armin's intentions are nothing but good.

"Eren," says Erwin. "We don't have to worry about you committing suicide, do we?" Eren immediately lies but Levi is smarter than that and Eren's never been much of a liar so it's easy to call his bluff. "I see," says Erwin who clearly doesn't believe him. 

"You're sleeping with me tonight," says Levi. Eren is unpleasantly surprised. Levi's always a clean freak and he can't imagine the Captain allowing him to make his floor dirty. He nods, though, clearly upset at this decision. But it's okay, he tells himself. He can't kill himself today but he can do it some other time when he gets to be alone. 

But, apparently Captain Levi isn't finished. "And I want you to stay within 15 feet of me at all times." Eren curses himself for being a bad liar. If only he could've lied well enough... Hange enters the room and the conversation continues. "Eren. You weren't suicidal before you were kidnapped. What went on while we were gone?" 

And Eren wants to beat himself to death out of anger rather than agony this time. "I agree that something must've happened while you were gone," says Armin. Sometimes, Armin is too smart. "I've never seen you genuinely try to kill yourself before today."

Eren looks down. He really doesn't want to talk about it. "No. Wait," says Armin. And things seem to click for Armin and Hange. "What is the blood on your pants?" asks Hange. This question makes things click for Armin as he observes Eren's pants and observes where the majority of the blood is placed; in the area of Eren's bottom.

"No way," says Armin, and he steps back, eyes wide and unbelieving. How could this happen to his friend? To Eren? He gulps. He needs to ask. He really needs to ask. But he's having a hard time finding the words. He has to be the one to ask though. He's one of Eren's best friends. 

Armin's face cools a bit from the small amount of sweat running down his face. It's not much but the coolness on his face changes his mood enough to find the courage to ask. "Eren," he starts shakily. Eren tries begging Armin not to say anything with his eyes to no avail.

"Were you raped?"


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I tried keeping it accurate to Feigling's first chapter.

Eren feels like a deer caught in the headlights. One single word, "yes" could change his life forever. And it's not like he can say, "no." Someone would know he's lying, whether it be Armin or Hange. He doesn't have a choice. At least he doesn't have to say, "I was raped." The word "rape" is really sensitive right now. All he has to say is "yes." 

Eren looks up into the expectant faces of Levi, Erwin, Hange, and Armin which proves to be a mistake. Their worried expressions make him even more nervous and he feels pressured. He takes a shaky breath and avoids their eyes before speaking. "Yes." 

His voice comes out very weak and vulnerable. He sounds like he's going to cry and, wait, what is this? Tears? He feels hot, wet drops fall down his face. He's so broken that he's not even connected to his own emotions right now. What can he do but stand there, not in sync with his body as it acts on its own? 

Eren puts his hands to his eyes, trying to cover his pathetic tears. "Oh, Eren." Armin wraps his arms around Eren without thinking and Eren pushes him away before he realizes it's a hug. Will he ever be able to hug people normally ever again? He's never liked being touched anyways but at least he didn't push people away before. 

Armin looks incredibly hurt at heeling pushed away and Eren doesn't feel bad. Instead, he feels safe being in his own little bubble. There's no one touching him so he's okay. Hopefully this newfound space bubble will go away after some time too. 

Eren reaches out to Armin without touching. "I'm sorry." But Armin is already shaking his head. "It's fine, Eren. I should've known." Levi's face is darkened and Hange looks saddened while Erwin keeps his composure. "I apologise, Eren, but we'll need to hear about everything that happened."

It may sound petty but now Eren wants to die even more. He's really regretting not committing suicide. He'd really rather die than have to explain what happened to him. But Eren's been given an order by the Commander so he swallows his grief down and puts his left hand to his back and his right hand to his chest.

"Sir!" He says, and looks down. He's not ready to reopen this fresh wound but it'll scar all the same so he might as well. His voice speaks before he expects it to and goes with it from there. "It started when I woke up. Reiner had cut my arms off so I couldn't do anything."

When no one says anything, the boy continues shakily. "I told him not to look at me the way he was looking at me. He was pissed off or something and hugged me. Then, he kissed my head." Eren isn't sure how detailed they want him to be so he includes the small things as well.

"And then he rocked into me and grabbed my hair and kissed me." He caves in on himself, hunched over, protecting himself from the hurtful world around him. "Then, Bertholdt told him that they don't have the time for this but Reiner told him to shut up. And then Ymir told him that they need to stay out of it.

Then, he told me that I'm not the only one who lost things and asked if I know what I'm fighting for." Eren feels like he's reliving it. "I asked him what was wrong with him and he said "a lot" or something close to it. Can't remember. He asked if I thought he was too scared to take what he wants and I said he is. That pissed him off.

He punched me after that and before I could do anything, he kissed me again. And then -" a nervous sigh "- then, he started pulling my shirt up and kissing down my throat and, in a desperate way to make him stop, I asked him about Bertholdt because if he's gay, he probably loves him.

I was wrong or something because he didn't care. He touched my hair almost caringly and told him not to do that, not to touch me that way, and that he needs to get it over with. So he tugfed my pants down and I said something and I'm not sure what I was saying. Maybe to get it over with or maybe to stop."

Erwin nods encouragingly. 

"Then, he - he spread my legs and -" Eren takes a few shaky breaths and his voice is weakened. He sounds like he's crying when he speaks again. "- then he licked his thumb and pressed it into me." He can't say it fully. He can't say, "he put his finger in my anal cavity" because he feels dirtier and more disgusting that way.

"It hurt," he says, almost as an afterthought. "Then, he pulled his finger out and then put it back in again. And then he put his hand on my." He gestures to his penis and forces himself to say it. "On my penis," hot tears fall down his face and he feel absolutely broken.

"After that, he put his mouth on me - on my penis." He can't believe he says that in one go without stopping. "Then, he hit this spot inside me and was satisfied." The more he speaks, the more he goes through the process of grief. Tears fall down his face still and he feels himself unraveling.

"I almost," and quietly, he says, "came," now he's sobbing. He berates himself for crying so hard. All that happened was he was touched. What's so hurtful about that? But this hurts his own feelings and he makes himself cry harder. "Then, he stopped putting his mouth on me and put more fingers in while biting and licking at my thighs."

Sometimes, Eren hates how good his memory is. Today is one of those days. "Then, he took out his fingers and opened his own pants. After that, he made me suck his fingers to use as lube and then he put me in his lap and started pushing his penis in."

Eren takes a much-needed shaky breath. "That's when he started thrusting into me. After a while, I don't know how long, he finally stopped and came."

"Thanks for your honesty," says Commander Erwin. Eren nods and after getting it all out, he's sobbing even harder and finding it hard to breathe. Is this what a panic attack feels like? His vision starts blacking out and he goes in and out of consciousness until everything goes black.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's suicide plan is set into motion.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the chapter being shorter.

Eren wakes up in his locked room and he doesn't know how long he's been asleep for. He feels as if he's slept for long though. After a few minutes, his door opens, revealing Captain Levi. "You awake?" Eren nods. "We're going to do some experiments today. Can you handle that?" Another nod.

"Okay. Take a shower." Eren gets up and does exactly that. While in the shower, he fantasies about drowning himself. But it's not time to commit suicide yet. He's already planned everything. When he's done with his shower, he joins Hange, Levi, and others to practice turning into a Titan.

Today, he's much more careless than usual while practicing turning into a Titan and bites himself until there's a small pool of blood beneath him. The bleeding makes him feel cleansed. Levi and Hange are by his side to stop him after the pool of blood grows concerningly large.

"Your goal is to turn into a Titan. Not to hurt yourself," says Levi. Eren wants to argue because he has to hurt himself to turn into a Titan but he knows what he means and there's no point in being defiant. Levi would just call him out on being a smartass. 

Eren feels terrible. He just wants to die. That's all he wants. He wants to forget about everything that happened to him. About the grief the rape had caused. He stares off into space. He'd rather be bleeding out than thinking about this. "Eren. Are you listening?" Asks Hange.

He looks up. "What?" "You should rest until your hand is healed, at least. You won't be at your full best if you're tired and in pain." Eren sighs. "Fine." He has no choice but to listen to them for now. But it's okay. Because he'll be dead soon. 

When he's done with training, he's going out. Captain Levi will probably make someone go with to make sure he doesn't commit suicide but Eren will be dead before they have a chance to save him. 

Training ends surprisingly fast yet agonizingly slow and it's time for Eren's plan to be set into motion. "I need to go into town to buy Mikasa a new scarf, sir," Eren tells Captain Levi. The Captain narrows his eyes. "Hange. Go with Eren to get his girlfriend a new scarf." Hange runs to his side, all too happy to help. "Okay!" 

Eren and Hange walk into town. It doesn't take long for Eren to find what he's been looking for. 'This will work,' he tells himself. He takes a deep breath and nervousness sets into his stomach. 'Because if it doesn't work, I don't know what I'll do.' he prepares himself, looks around while trying not to look suspicious. 

When he sees Hange speaking to a street vendor, he runs as fast as he can to a military regiment soldier standing across the street. He punched the soldier, knowing there's no way he'll get his gun without a fight. He only has so much time to do this. He can hear Hange's running footsteps behind him.

The soldier punches Eren back and he needs this to work so he goes to plan B: instead of fighting, he knocks the soldier out and quickly takes the gun. The gun is long and so he can't pull the trigger with his arms; they don't reach far enough to the trigger. Instead, he places the tip of the gun inside his mouth and places his foot on the trigger. 

He doesn't have time to think. Hange is only a few feet away from him. He panics and without having time to think any final thoughts, he pushes his foot against the trigger and everything goes black.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hange brings Eren's body back to their base.

Hange yells out. "Eren!" Why can't her legs move faster than this? She feels as if her legs are weak and her training has been useless. Eren has a gun inside his mouth and his foot on the trigger. Shit. At this rate, she won't make it. Eren looks over at her and fear fills his eyes. He panics and moves his foot down on the trigger.

Boom!

Eren's head explodes and there's steam coming from the bottom half of his head that's still there. His body collapses into Hange's arms. She didn't reach him in time. Damnit. She picks his body up and somberly asks some of the Military Police for help carrying him back to where they've been staying. 

How could she let Eren die? He was their hope. Telling everyone that Eren is dead is like telling everyone humanity has lost. Hange thinks of all of her memories with Eren and wonders if she pushed his training too hard? Was there any way she could've stopped this? 

No. The only way she could've stopped this is if she had paid more attention to Eren than to shopping. This is her fault. That's the cold hard truth. Because of her, humanity has a much lower chance of survival. Eren is on a stretcher, body covered and blood seeping through where his face once was. 

It takes a couple hours for them to reach the base. Levi is outside and his eyes meet Hange's right away, unsaid questions in his eyes. And hopelessness. When Hange gets closer, he asks, "Where the hell is Eren?" But he can see it in her eyes. Eren's gone. Dead. "I'm sorry," she says. 

A pool of darkness covers him and he feels like he's drowning. Just before he drowns to death, he gasps and wakes up. "Eren?" Asks a hopeful yet surprised voice. There's a cloth on his face, stuck to his skin. He pulls the cloth off. When his face is met with Hange's and Levi's, he feels misery. 

He's alive.

Eren thinks back to everything that happened and tries to find where he went wrong with his palm. But, for once, his plan was flawless. At least, theoretically. But if it was flawless, then why is he still alive? Hange runs over to him and gives him a hug. Levi is giving him a not so happy look.

"You're alive! I thought you were dead." Eren puts his hands to his head and rubs his eyes, thinking. Then, "why am I alive?" He says this solemnly, catching the attention of those around him. Hange, the ever so smart one who always looks for answers, gives her own hypothesis. 

"Well, Eren. I think that wound of yours healed before you died." Eren feels his anger and grief come together. "But how?" He almost whines. "I blew my head off, right?" A nod. "So, how?" "We may need to reconsider how exactly fast your skin heals and how much damage you can actually take." 

Eren gasps a shaky breath and nods. "But, by the looks of it, you're practically immortal you can take so much damage." Great. Just great. Immortal. He feels his own mental instability. He can't handle being "immortal." He clings to the simple thought of death and decides he'll work towards learning about death and human Titans as much as possible. 

"I'll go report to Commander Erwin," says Hange. "Seeya later, Eren. Stay alive," she says. 'No promises,' thinks Eren. When Hange leaves, Captain Levi tells him, "Eren. Come here" Eren gets up and off the stretcher, almost losing balance. A huge headache overcomes him when he moves but goes away when he stills.

"Sir?" Eren half says, half asks. "Stay close to me." "Yes sir." They stand in silence. Levi is either the type who would give him a lecture about his suicide attempt or wouldn't say anything at all. He's starting to think it's the latter. Levi's finally done doing whatever it was he was doing and moves towards their "home," keeping a close eyes on Eren, making sure he won't run off and try to kill himself again.

Eren isn't pleased with the arrangement he's put himself in but he can't blame him either. Right? 'No,' he thinks. 'Yes, I can. I can blame them. They're not even trying to understand the anguish I feel. Their telling me to live is ignorant and selfish.'

But the other part of Eren tells him that he's selfish for thinking they're selfish and he ends the self argument by stopping his thinking. They make it to the house and Eren goes to sit at the table with everyone else until Levi grabs the back of his cloak, making him stumble. 

He looks over at Levi in question. "You're coming with me." "What? Where?" The Captain doesn't answer until they get closer to down the hall. "Either you stay locked up in your room when I'm gone or you go with me everywhere I need to go from now on until you're cleared." 

Eren doesn't like either choice. He doesn't want his freedom taken away like this. On one hand, he won't have to deal with the Captain's constant looks that gauge his mental stability but on the other hand, staying in his room all the time might bore him to death. Not only that but the thought of being stuck with his own thoughts scares him.

Fine. "I'll stay with you, sir." Captain Levi says nothing but Eren knows he heard what he said. "You'll be sleeping with me tonight." Eren is about to protest when the Captain interrupts, "I don't wanna hear it. After the shit you pulled today, you're on strict suicide watch."

Eren looks down. He wants to say that it isn't fair like a whining child but he knows it's fair. It's true. How does he expect them to trust him with himself when he's proven to have murderous intent towards himself. Not only that but whether he likes it or not, he's an important key to humanity's safety. He can't expect them to be happy that humanity's best chance is suicidal.

Before they know it, it's sundown and Eren is nervously waiting for Levi to open the door to their room. While they were eating, he must've gotten someone to put a lock on it because there wasn't one there before. When Captain Levi opens the door, he motions to a spot on the floor with a sleeping bag on it. "That's where you'll be sleeping."

Eren should've guessed. Of course the Captain wouldn't give up his bed. He lays down and there's awkward silence until they fall asleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren tries to live for a day.

Reiner is touching him and he's getting hard. He hates himself. Reiner kisses him and he gives into the kiss. But no. That's not him. He'd never give into the kiss! He lifts his body and sits himself on Reiner's penis. It feels good and -.

Eren wakes up in a gasp and he has a hard on. He can't believe it. What's wrong with him? Does this mean he liked what happened to him? He wishes he could cut his dick off. Captain Levi walks in and Eren feels emberassed. "What's with that look on your face?" Asks Levi.

Eren feels utterly humiliated. How does he tell his Captain that being raped turned him on? He doesn't. That's the answer. He doesn't have to say anything. He stays under the blankets and answers. "Nothing, sir." Levi clearly doesn't believe him but lets it go, probably deciding it's not worth his time to look into it.

"Get ready," he tells Eren. Eren nods. At least the Captain is letting him shower by himself. Or so he thought. Once Eren is done with his shower, he sees that his door had been left open by a crack and Levi is standing outside the door, listening for anything suspicious. 

Eren feels as if his privacy's been violated which reminds him of Reiner raping him. He shudders. The cliff. Their home is on top of a cliff. Next time he attempts suicide, he'll jump off the cliff. He gets dressed and leaves the bathroom. 

He follows Levi to the dining room table and sits in his usual place to eat. They don't have arranged sitting assignments but they each have their own preferred spot to sit and like to keep it that way. "So, Eren. How's your training been going?" Asks Connie. Armin watches him carefully, as if he's waiting for him to spill some secret. 

"It's been going alright." Everyone at the table looks at him suspiciously. Then, Armin asks him, "You did it again, didn't you?" Eren tries to gesture to Armin not to say anything more but he seems determined. "What do you mean?" Asks Jean, and turns to Eren. 

"It's nothing," says Eren. "Armin doesn't know what he's talking about." But, again, Armin is determined. "You tried to," and then, quietly, "you tried to kill yourself again didn't you?" Mikasa quickly turns to Eren. "What does he mean, Eren?"

Great. As if today wasn't bad enough already, now everyone has to know what happened yesterday. "Alright. Fine. I tried to kill myself again. But what does it matter?" Mikasa gasps. Eren means everything to her. His life matters extremely. Without him, she'd rather die and Armin would become an empty shell of himself.

Then, Mikasa's face hardens. Reiner is the one who did this. She gets up and goes to grab her weapons only to be stopped by Levi. "Where do you think you're going?" She doesn't answer and shakes his hold off of her. "You don't stand a chance against those guys right now. Wait until we all go." She doesn't look like she's going to stop until Levi speaks again. 

"What do you think would happen to Eren if you were killed?" She stops in her tracks, the wheels in her head turning. Then, she visibly relaxes and turns around, not chancing another look at Levi. 

Breakfast is over and Eren is back to practicing hardening his body as a Titan. He uses this as a chance to hurt himself. They let him bleed when it's for humanity's benefit so for humanity's benefit, he'll bleed. He bites into his thumb as deep as he can, hoping he'll bleed to death, as unrealistic a hope as that is. 

After only several minutes, Levi shows up behind Eren and is kicking him in the head. "What did we say yesterday? Your job is to turn into a Titan. Not to hurt yourself." Eren doesn't see a difference between the two but he nods anyway. He decides to lay down on the biting for now. The last thing he wants is for Levi to lock him up because he feels he can't trust him no matter what.

Levi tears some cloth and wraps Eren's hand in it. Eren jumps to the Captain's touch and flinches away. He thinks of Reiner touching his hand, holding him down. And, besides, had he really hurt himself bad enough to need tending to? He wants Levi to stop touching him and fear is in his eyes. He looks like a scared wild animal.

"Go sit until you're healed." "Yes, sir." He sits atop the cliff, looking down. Levi eyes him, unsure whether he should let Eren sit that close to the edge of the cliff or not. Eventually, he decides to leave it alone. If Eren jumps, he'll be able to catch him from down here, although he hopes he doesn't have to resort to the latter.

Eren stares at the ground under the cliff, imagining himself jumping off and breaking his neck. He imagines it to be a fast death because he can't handle a painful one. His hand heals fast and Hange writes down her observations about his hand healing before telling him it's time to get back to training. 

Training ends when Eren is too tired to continue. After, he lays down in Levi's room. He feels Levi's eyes on his back and turns around only to see Levi turned in the opposite direction. Levi apparently wasn't even staring at him in the first place and now he's the one staring at Levi. 

He forces himself to look away and rolls over into the opposite direction. He does nothing but think, unable to do anything else. Even though Levi's in the room, he still feels like he's alone with his mind. And it's killing him. He remembers his mother's death, his father's absence, and his own weaknesses. 

Why does he have to be so weak? If he wasn't weak, nothing bad that's ever happened to him would've happened in the first place. He gets tired of laying around and gets up, trying to hint to Levi that he wants to leave. The Captain is either ignoring him or doesn't notice that he wants to leave. The last thing Eren wants to do is ask Levi if he can leave but he doesn't want to anger the man.

"What is it?" Asks Levi. "You've been staring at me like you want something for several minutes now." Eren keeps himself from wincing. "Can I leave?" Captain Levi gets up and says, "never thought you'd ask." Eren finds himself relieved. He wasn't sure how the Captain would react. 

"I have an errand I need to run. You're coming." Eren nods. "Okay." They take horses and go to the outside of the safe walls. "Since you're with me, you might as well help. Our goal is to kill a group of Titans in the left corner of Shinganshina." 

Eren hasn't seen his hometown in so long. He wonders what it'll be like to see his hometown vacant and destroyed, with only Titans to see. He wonders why they have to kill the Titanss in the left corner of the palace but doesn't ask, assuming it's top secret.

When they get there, they kill all of the Titans Levi was ordered to kill. Eren would be lying if he said he didn't consider letting himself get eaten by a Titan but he knew Captain Levi would save him from death. When they get back, Levi Squad eats dinner together and the Captain and Eren go to bed.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> IMPORTANT: this chapter has an open ending for those of you who want there to be a happy ending for this fanfic. From here on out, it's going to go down the path of a sad ending.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Longer chapter than usual. My chapters' lengths are almost always at least 1k words but every once in a while, I write all night and end up with a longer chapter.

The next day, Eren has decided he'll jump off the cliff. He feels torn to pieces, as if multiple Titans are tearing him apart with their hungry jaws, except it's his heart they're tearing apart. He doesn't feel shocked from what happened to him anymore and the shock is replaced with a purely depressed mood. 

It's strange. Before he fell asleep, his mind was still in something akin to denial over what happened to him but today, he just feels numb. It's as if nothing matters and all he is is a mass on the Earth. He sits up and hears rustling coming from the Captain's bed. 

Over the last couple nights, Eren has come to the conclusion that Levi is a light sleeper, always on alert. This is proven by how Levi wakes up after Eren only moves around a little bit. "Get dressed," orders the Captain. "Yes, sir." Eren walks to the bathroom to take a shower.

Eren looks in the mirror and sees a weak, unstable being. He's pathetic. He clenches his fists until he cuts his skin with his nails. He wants to bite himself but he doesn't want to take the chance of accidentally turning into a Titan. Then, impulsivity hits him and without a second thought, he's digging his teeth into his skin hard.

He hears the sound of skin breaking under his teeth and it sounds like he's digging his teeth into chicken. He stops when his mind invisions him eating himself. There's blood and saliva running down his arm but it's not enough. He looks down at the counter, looking for something.

When he finds it, he nervously grabs tweezers and scissors. It's a razor. He needs to take it apart but carefully. It takes several minutes for him to take the razor apart all the way. Three razor blades, all different sizes, fall out. Knock, knock. Eren jumps and shives everything in his hands before quickly hiding everything beneath a towel. 

"Yeah?" He asks. "You're taking too long," comes Captain Levi's voice. Then, as if it's an afterthought, he asks, "are you okay?" He says this almost softly. "Yeah!" Yells out Eren. "I'm fine." After a few minutes, it becomes obvious that the Captain won't barge into the bathroom and Eren takes out the blades.

He inspects each blade closely, not sure which one he wants to start with. Finally, he decides to go with the largest one. His hand is less likely to drop the largest one than the smaller ones, although they all share the same amount of thickness. (Not very thick at all. They're so thin that the only way you'd know they're in your hand is from the cold touch of the metal.)

Eren takes the largest blade and raises it to his wrist, not thinking about the consequences that could come out of placing the cuts there. Then, he presses down on the edge of the blade somewhat lightly and drags it halfway across his wrist. 

His wrist isn't bleeding from the cut and so he does it again, this time pressing slightly harder. This time, he does bleed. Slowly. He applies a couple more shallow, slow bleeding cuts. And that's good enough for now because even though his body can handle pain much worse than this, his mind is overwhelmed from the dark act of him cutting himself so he stops there.

He likes the control he has in cutting himself. He can stop when it gets too overwhelming or he can continue, all to his heart's content. He's completely free when cutting himself. And not only that but it helps him practice controlling his Titan powers.

He controls his energy on stopping his body from healing the cuts on his wrist. Eren hides the razor blades under the towels again and steps into the shower. The hot water of the shower makes his cuts sting. 

When he's finished with the shower, he gets dressed and stuffs the blades safe inside his pants. Then, he leaves the bathroom. Captain Levi is sitting on his bed reading a book. "20 minutes. That's how long it took you to get into the shower. Care to explain why that is?"

Eren thinks of the best way out of this. He could either swallow his pride and openly lie, saying he was taking a shit and hope Levi believes him, tell the truth, or kindly refuse to say anything about it and hope he gets away with it. He doesn't know what he's thinking. Maybe he hates lying more than he thought? Because he chooses the latter. 

"Nothing to worry about," says Eren. Levi doesn't look like he's buying it until Eren goes out of his way to look Levi in the eye and tells him, "I'm being honest. What could I do so bad in the bathroom?" Captain Levi holds his hand up and begins to list bad things Eren could be up to while in the bathroom.

"Drowning, biting yourself, punching yourself, eating soap, hanging yourself with the bathroom curtains, -" "Okay. I get it. But I did none of those." He says this with confidence because it's the truth. Levi looks into Eren's eyes and sees nothing but the truth. He isn't lying. Not about that, anyway. He gets up and decides to let it go, deciding he'll sound petty if he keeps trying to get shit out of the kid.

They eat breakfast and just like every other day, they head out to meet Hange and her squad when they're done. Erwin is there too. Eren eyes the cliff almost longingly. He thinks everyone has a natural fear of heights when they're elevated to a certain point but his natural fear of heights went away with all of his crazy training and missions.

He's seen enough people plummet to their deaths to know exactly how death from falling works. And most of the time, it isn't painful because their brains are scrambled the second they hit impact against the ground. "Eren. What are you doing?" Asks Hange. 

Hange and Levi are looking at him, watching to see if he's okay. Eren feels the need to put a smile on his face so he can trick them. But, again, he's never been a good liar and so his smile looks far from real. Captain Levi frowns but doesn't say anything.

Levi and Hange stand over the cliff while Eren runs to the bottom of the cliff. And the training begins. Eren pushes himself extra hard today and focuses all of his energy on hardening his skin. After a couple hours of practicing, it becomes clear; today is an accomplishment. 

Eren successfully hardens his skin. But it still takes too long for his skin to harden to leap in joy about his accomplishment. And his nose is bleeding really hard, he's growing tired, and his legs are weak. At this rate, he'll be too weak to run off the cliff and he'll be stopped before he has a chance.

Levi jumps to the ground and hands Eren a handkerchief, helping him stop the bleeding. Hange isn't far behind Levi and runs to Eren. "Woohoo!" She moves around happily. "You did it, Eren!" Eren looks down. Yeah, he did it but it's still not anywhere near good enough to be excited about. 

"Yeah but it's not good enough," he says. "It's a step forward," comes a voice from behind him. Eren turns around. It's Commander Erwin. He walks to Eren and shakes his hand. "Good work, Eren." Eren nods, accepting the compliment. He sits to the side, resting. 

He's not done yet, though, he decides. There's still one more thing he needs to practice. He closes his eyes and imagines a soft, gentle light healing his insides. He's already mostly accomplished controlling the automatic self healing part of his Titan powers. He should be able to control this too.

After at least a dozen minutes, his insides feel much better than they did before. His nose has stopped bleeding and he's in good enough shape to run. Eren heads over to where Hange, Levi, and Commander Erwin are standing. "I'm gonna go get a drink," says Eren. Levi stops him in his tracks and calls out for two soldiers to escort him to get water. 

Eren feels bad for the soldiers who will have to experience this but freedom has always been the one thing he needs to live. He's a prisoner to his thoughts now and the only way he can think of to escape his thoughts is by killing himself. The two soldiers follow eren closely behind and Eren begins to wonder if this will work. 

Eren stops dead in his tracks and the soldiers look at him confusedly. But Eren gives no explanation. He's deciding how he'll accomplish this. Should he just try another day? No. He has the courage to jump right now so while he has that fire in him, he should act. 

He visibly shakes his head, telling himself that this is it. He needs to do this now. One second, his body is standing. The next, his body is running for its life. Or, rather, death. He runs slow at first, unsure what he wants but as he catches his escorts in the corner of his eye running at him furiously, he feels a surge of energy and runs straight for the cliff.

But, just then, an arms attaches itself to his own arm, dramatically slowing him down. The other soldier catches up and latches onto Eren's right arm. Eren is strong but he's not that strong. He hates to do this yet again but he'll need to fight. Fight for his freedom. Fight for his death.

Just then, something in his head clicks. He can use his Titan abilities to throw the two soldiers off of him. "I hate to do this," he says out loud. "But I have no choice." He hardens his arms and they become stronger. He twists his body and throws the soldiers off of him. 

Then, he gets up and goes back to running. 'Please, please let me make this,' he begs to whatever power that will listen to him. There! He thinks excitedly. He sees the edge of the cliff and he's so close. He can't believe it. He's actually doing this! He's a few feet away from the edge of the cliff now. 

As he gets closer to the edge, Levi, Erwin, and Hange come into view. Levi meets eyes with him last second. His expression quickly goes from one of seriousness that says he's paying attention to whatever Hange is saying to one of panic. 

Eren's foot is on the edge now and he leaps out into the afternoon sun, flying without his wings. If he weren't so desperate to the point of fear of failure for this to work, he would be able to enjoy the beauty of the outside. This is the last time. The last time he'll see such beauty. 

And he doesn't regret it.

His eyes close and he isn't sure when he'll touch the ground. The wind flies through his hair and then he feels his body hit something. He gets the wind knocked out of him and hears the sound of ODM gear. He immediately opens his eyes and he's met with the back of Captain Levi's uniform.

Eren feels like he needs to scream and yell and he needs Levi to know what he'd just done. Forcing Eren to live when he wants to die is just cruel. Eren kicks his legs and punches Levi's back. "I know you're upset but throwing a tantrum won't help any," says Levi.

They drop it he ground and Eren rolls s few times. Then, he gets ups nd looks at his Captain angrily with sad eyes. Then tears are falling down his face. "You think it's real great for me to suffer, huh?! It's not fair. You have no idea how much I need this; how much I need to die."

Then, Eren is sobbing. "Just let me die, damnit! He falls to his knees in despair. Captain Levi walks forward but - "Don't come near me!" Yells Eren. Levi stands for a second and then moves forward. He's not the best at comforting so he approaches hesitantly. 

"You would never understand," says Eren. "You don't understand the amount of despair I'm in. The amount of agony." "Eren. Look, I'm sorry we've put you through so much but you have people who care about you. What about their feelings. Do you care how they would if you died?" 

Eren takes a few staggered breaths and then sobs harder. "You... You don't understand. I care about what they think. But I can't take this anymore. It's only been a few days and I'm already so broken that I can't cope. How will I ever handle this? I-I feel so," he says the last word softly and sounding almost ashamed, "dirty." 

Sobs rack Eren's body so badly that he looks as if he's having convulsions. "Eren. Breathe with me." Levi takes clear breaths in and out and Eren tries following his breathing pattern. It helps only int he slightest and he's still freaking out. A medic soldier runs by Eren's side thinking there's something physically wrong with him that she can stop.

She reaches out to Eren and Levi quickly grabs her arm, stopping her from touching him. "The last thing he needs is to be touched right now. Go get him some water." Levi is unintentionally awkward with helping Eren and it comes off as looking soft, something Levi couldn't accomplish if he tried. 

"You're outside with me, your Captain. Nothing is happening to you. You are alone and no one is touching you." Eren visibly relaxes at that. He still gasps and cries, though, and Levi thinks he knows what to do. "Everyone cares about you, Eren. You have many friends waiting for you to come home. Friends who care a lot."

Eren cries harder from that. In all of Levi's time spent underground, people were usually done with their panic attacks by now. What should he do? Wind passes by, giving Levi clarity of thought and a new approach to the situation. "Eren. I'd care if you died. You're a great soldier and not just from your amount of strength but from your heart."

Eren sobs harder for a few more minutes and Levi is starting to feel like he's only making things worse. Maybe he needs a woman to comfort him. Someone like a mom. But then Eren calms down and he's going from sobbing to just crying. He sniffles and let's in a loud gasp if air. 

He looks at his surroundings, taking in the fact that he's safe and he's not being touched where he doesn't want to be touched. He's okay. Levi sits down, his back to a thick tree. He runs his hand through his hair, clearly stressed. Eren's eyes are beginning to dry and his eyes stand out immensely from the pink face and tears. 

Eren sits next to Levi, back also to the tree. There's a long moment of silence, not awkward and not somber. Just silence. "When I was younger, my father figure wasn't very nice to me. He kept me in line. It was his fault that I turned into a criminal who lived Underground." 

Eren looks up. "Why are you telling me all of this?" The Captain says nothing. Then, he asks, "Why did you cry harder when I told you you have people who care about you?" Eren is silent first, too, and then he says, "Because you said something positive." 

The Captain turns his head, interest in his eyes. Eren explains. "When I'm feeling sad, everything positive makes me even sadder because I wish I was happy but I can't be and so the fact that I can't have happiness makes me, well, sad." Then, Levi answers hsi question. 

"I told you a little bit of my life so you wouldn't feel alone. There. Happy?" Eren nods once, even though Levi wasn't truly asking if he was happy. The girl from earlier brings two cups of water and hands them each one. "Thank you," thanks Eren. The girl nods and gets up to leave. 

Eren is feeling much calmer and cleansed, even. Sleepiness paws at his eyes and Captain Levi gets up. "Let's go home." The walk home is peaceful and Eren looks at all of the beautiful nature he was willing to give up for death.


End file.
